How many times have we all heard the advice: "Just be yourself!" It's a well-intentioned phrase often given to those struggling with social situations. While the sentiment behind it is admirable, for many people—especially those who feel socially awkward or unsure—it can fall flat. Let's unpack why this advice is problematic and how we can reframe it to be more useful.
The Problem with "Just Be Yourself"
When people tell you to "just be yourself," it's often coming from those who already have lots of friends and feel comfortable in social situations. They might think that what they're doing now is simply being themselves, but it's not that simple for everyone.
What they're really trying to say is probably more like, "Don't try too hard to make people like you." This is actually pretty good advice. When someone tries really hard to impress others, it usually shows, and it can make them seem desperate for attention or approval.
But this advice is only part of the story. Getting along with people and making friends isn't always easy. There's more to it than just "being yourself." Let's dive into it!
Reframing the Advice
To make this advice more actionable, let's break it down into specific points:
Be genuine, not perfect: You don't need to constantly prove yourself. People appreciate authenticity and will connect with the real you, not a polished version. It's refreshing when you don't feel like you have to hide your shortcomings or challenges. Conversely, it can be off-putting when someone only talks about their successes and how great they are.
Focus on connection, not performance: It's more important to engage with others in a meaningful way than to worry about impressing them. When you're not trying to make a good impression, you can actually stand out as a real person who is comfortable being themselves.
Allow imperfections: People are drawn to others who are comfortable with themselves, even if that includes flaws or awkward moments. This actually allows others to relax because you make space for them to be real and flawed people too.
The Missing Piece: Active Skill Development
While being comfortable with yourself is crucial, it's only half the equation. The other half is actively working on developing your social skills. Here's why this matters:
Knowledge is power: You can be yourself all you want, but if you don't know how to start a conversation with a stranger, it's going to be a tough road. Make it easier on yourself by learning the basics of social interaction.
It's not magic, it's know-how: Social skills aren't innate talents that some people magically possess. They're learned behaviors that anyone can improve with practice and knowledge.
Resources are abundant: There are countless books, videos, podcasts, and courses on social skills. Take advantage of these resources to learn tips and techniques that others use every day.
Practice makes progress: Once you learn new skills, practice them in low-stakes situations. Gradually, they'll become second nature.
Developing Good Character
"Just being yourself" is even better when your authentic self is a reliable, kind, and valuable member of society. Here's why this matters:
Like attracts like: If you want great friends, focus on being a great person yourself. People tend to gravitate towards others with similar values and behaviors.
Build trust: Consistently demonstrating good character builds trust in your relationships, making social interactions smoother and more rewarding.
Confidence boost: Knowing that you're striving to be a good person can give you the confidence to be yourself in social situations.
While "just be yourself" is well-intentioned advice, it's often too vague to be helpful for those struggling with social skills. Instead, focus on being authentic while actively working to improve your social abilities and character. Remember, it's not about becoming someone else—it's about becoming the best version of yourself. With time, practice, and patience, you can develop the social skills to navigate any situation while staying true to who you are...and you can finally, just be yourself ; D
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